Things You Forget To Say
by ghostlights
Summary: How can you talk with someone who's never there? ON INDEFINATE HIATUS
1. Fools Game

THINGS YOU FORGET TO SAY  
  
This is my first fic so be gentle, please?  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Wolverine and Jubilee d'ya think that I'd be posting here or would I be making lots of W&J based comics. Think about that   
  
Continuity: My own little W&J world, no relation to comic, cartoon or movieverse.   
  
  
  
The silence in the jeep had seemed a comforting companion to begin with, but as the man known as Wolverine to the world, Logan to a select few and Wolvie to just one, put more distance between himself and the place he called home it took on an a heavy accusing air. He was running away again, and this time he knew that, even though she would take him back with open arms, he would never really be forgiven. Not for this one. *Ya bastard, Logan. It's her birthday, ya promised the kid that you'd be there f'r her*  
Instead he found himself on the highway Canada bound.   
  
He just couldn't face her right now, her growing up scared him and so now he attempted to put as much distance between them as possible. Her Eighteenth, *She's all grown up this time*. All grown up, and old and married with kids and leaving him and dying - leaving him for good. Like so many of the women he'd loved before.   
  
Disliking the morbid turn his thoughts had taken he reached across and turned on the car radio in an attempt to distract himself from thoughts of Jubilee.  
No such luck. He recognised the station as one that she'd tuned in the last time they went driving together. He left it playing, trying to take comfort from this little piece of her when his attention was grabbed and squeezed by a request the Disk Jockey was sending out.  
  
"And here we have a bittersweet little number requested by 'Jubilee' for her 'Wolvie' who is running away again"  
  
*Nah it couldn't be...could it? * But the thought clung to him, making him feel decidedly uncomfortable as the song began to fill the vehicle.  
  
It's a heartache  
Nothing but a heartache  
Hits you when it's too late   
Hits you when you're down  
  
It's a fool's game   
Nothing but a fool's game   
Standing in the cold rain  
Feeling like a clown   
  
It's a heartache  
Nothing but a heartache  
Love him till you're arms break  
Then he lets you down  
  
It ain't right with love to share  
When you find he doesn't care, for you  
It ain't wise to need someone  
As much as I depended on, you  
  
It's a heartache  
Nothing but a heartache  
Hits you when it's too late  
Hits you when you're down  
  
It's a fool's game   
Nothing but a fool's game  
Standing in the cold rain  
Feeling like a clown  
  
It ain't right with love to share  
When you find he doesn't care, for you  
It ain't right to need someone  
As much as I depended on, you  
  
When the lyrics had begun to hit home with him he had stopped the jeep at the side of the road, not trusting himself to keep control but as the last of the music faded he shook himself and released the steering wheel from the death-grip he had it in.  
  
He felt like trash.   
  
He knew it was his Jubilee who had made that request and not one half of a previously loved-up couple. Embarrassed by the public nature of the emotional outburst he felt sure that the whole world must know his crime.   
  
She was so young and already been through so much on her own, never mind the way she handled his problems or the way he ran every time she needed him to be there for her.   
  
All the times that he'd thought he was alone only to have her comfort him, reassure him, even fight for him.   
  
He truly didn't deserve her, he thought, as he searched his mind for a time that he'd been there for her. The littleness of his ability to hold her when she needed to cry shamed him. No wonder she thought he didn't love her.  
  
He'd always just assumed that she had known though, that he loved her, so much more than anyone else, how much the depth of the emotion scared him, that this was his way of keeping her safe. Obviously not. And they both thought they knew each other so well. What a joke. He thought he was keeping her safe, she thought he was abandoning her.  
  
And now he'd lost her, the message in the song hadn't escaped him.  
Or had he? If he hurried now he might be able to make things all right between them.  
  
With a new hope in his heart Logan turned his jeep around and broke the speed limit in several areas in the hope of sharing the final hours of her birthday with her.  
  
  
By the time he reached the Snow Valley Campus the sun had been gone for several hours but the time did not matter to him. New knowledge of Jubilee's pain, did. The guilt he felt at what he had put her through was strong enough that he'd wake the entire building to make it right with her.  
  
*Please, please, please, please, please, please, please* His chant of the past several hours increased in desperation as he approached the door and rang on the bell several times *No way they're going to leave that unanswered* he momentarily smirked, imaging Emma Frosts face at the decidedly loud tune it emitted.  
  
After waiting for a couple of minutes an impassive looking Jubilee appeared on the doorstep.  
  
*Musta known it was me* "Hey kid, not too late to share your big day an I?" He radiated the desperation he was feeling, his voice tinged with guilt and fear.  
"My birthday was yesterday, Wolverine", She offered in a weary tone that, whilst not on the White Queen's level of iciness, was still one reserved for strangers.  
  
Oh yeah, that was her request all right.  
  
His hopes fell instantly at the cold greeting, "Oh... well, we could still do somethin' darlin..." he persisted hopefully. "Logan, it's one o' clock in the morning. I'm tired and everyone else is in bed. Where *I* would like to be right now." She turned to go inside and in an act born of desperation he grabbed her arm to prevent her retreat into the great house. "Please, Jubes...." She could hear the begging tone in his voice and turned to face him. "I'm tired Wolverine. Goodnight"  
Defeated suddenly he realised she was right. She was tired. Not just physically but mentally - worn out by him and his selfish use of her friendship. He couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't fair on her.   
  
"Yeah,.. G'night Jubes"  
  
He released her and stood defeated as the door shut slowly in his face. An almost inaudible 'click', and then he was alone.   
  
  
  
  



	2. Honour, Giri, Obligation

HONOUR, GIRI, OBLIGATION  
  
  
Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing. *Humph*   
  
  
Jubilation Lee sat huddled on the roof outside her bedroom determined to ignore the tears that had been threatening all day. She was amazed that she had lasted even this long, after all, the man she had seen as a partner and best friend had just dumped her on the most important day of her life and then returned exactly an hour after he day had passed as if to rub in the insult.  
  
*Damn him*  
  
Why did she let him have so much power over her? When had he gained so much power over her? Wasn't she the strong one? He'd taught her to be strong. Wasn't she the survivor? She'd survived. All her life, she'd survived so why couldn't she just rest?   
To go one day without feeling the exhaustion that threatened to overwhelm her at any moment. Was that too much to ask?   
Why did she let him know he had power over her? When had she become such an open book? Once, such an obvious affection could have been death, or something equally as bad. But now she knew what she was to him once again. She'd tried to forget and she had been so close. So close to accepting love, to opening up to someone, opening up without fearing that their newfound knowledge of her would be used to hurt her.   
Her first lesson. Never forget.  
She almost had and he had brought her back to reality with a bump. Those dreams of acceptance and love had been destroyed now. Evaporated like morning dew on the first rays of morning sun.   
  
How could she have been so *stupid*?  
  
Honour. Giri. Obligation.  
  
That's what she was to him. She'd saved his life and he had felt honour bound towards her. Nothing more, nothing less. It hadn't meant he'd cared.  
  
She had wanted him to care though. Wanted to mean something to him. If she had saved his life then he had become the meaning in hers. In need of something to cling to she had anchored herself to him. Allowed him to become her lighthouse, her guide through the rough times and beacon that there was something better than this waiting just around the horizon. Her love and blind devotion to him had kept her on the same course though, no matter how many times he took that light and left her to navigate the rocks on her own.   
  
Well no more. *Your debt is repaid Logan-san I release you from your obligation*.  
  
If her release was supposed to make her feel better, then why did she still feel like throwing herself off the roof?  
  
Because she loved him. It was humiliating and degrading, her affections let the whole world see right through her shields, right to the heart of who she was- a lonely child seeking the approval of a parent who couldn't bring themselves to care.  
  
Lifting her head she focused on the mid-summer stars in a weak attempt to take her mind away from the eyes of the man who had once been the sun and moon and stars to her. Even now, she couldn't help the turn her thoughts took when she meditated on just what he meant to her. She loved him. Pure and simple.  
  
Sure, he never chose her if it was a toss up between her and Kitty, and he hardly ever visited anyway, and if she was at the X-Mansion during the holidays then all bets were on him taking off to Canada or 'Poor, and he called her 'kid' all the time and had only saved her from the streets and taught her about life and the world and given her a home and a family to replace the ones she had already lost. Only called her his lifeline and promised her she'd never be alone again. That's all. Nothing major, like donating a kidney or something.  
  
The thoughts of him overwhelmed her defences and finally she allowed the tears she had been hiding to flood forth, making no attempt to hold them back.  
  
  
  
  
It felt like years since she'd finally stopped mourning for her lost friendship and weakly she lifted her head and gazed around. Her tears had finally exhausted themselves and the sky was now taking on the unmistakable hue of early morning.   
Soon, now she knew that the first birdsong would fill the air.  
  
It was with shock then, that she realised what she had missed the night before-  
The sound of Wolverines jeep pulling away over the gravel drive. While her senses were definitely nowhere as sensitive as Logan's' or even the Cajuns- honed as they were from years of guild training- they were definitely more aware than an average persons. Years of living rough and in care homes - where what you heard or didn't hear could mean death, or something equally as bad depending on where you were, meant that the sound of the vehicle leaving would not have gone unchecked by her brain, no matter her state of mind.   
The knowledge that *he* had sat outside the school all night chilled her. Why was he still there? Was he waiting for her? Could he see her from his jeep- was he watching her? With a shock she realised that he would have definitely have heard her emotional dams break, and angry at both Wolverine and herself she opened her window and slipped back inside to her bed. She knew that Emma would know what had transpired that night and would not wake her.  
  
As sleep, long denied finally overcame her a lyric of one of the songs that Jono enjoyed listening to flitted through her mind:  
  
'Let me strip the pain, let me not give in.  
Free me of your life, inside my heart dies.   
Your dreams never achieved, don't lay that shit on me.  
Let me live my life.  
  
Hey! I'm seeing my worth  
I'm fucked at dealing with your life.  
Dead bodies everywhere.  
  
You! Really want me to be a good son.  
Why you make me feel like no one?  
  
  
The crunching of a car on the gravel disturbed the uneasy sleep that she had finally achieved and turning on her side she slipped into a sticky slumber borne of grief.  
  
  
  
  
  
(Note: The lyrics are by Korn. 'Dead Bodies Everywhere')  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Wishing Tree

AND ON HER DOORSTEP….  
  
Insert satndard disclaimers here. I'm too tired to be witty.  
  
And on her doorstep  
I saw that I was blind.  
I'd forsaken what was mine.  
  
What had mattered   
Mattered little now  
We had shattered   
apart somehow  
  
I can't help but stay the same  
I remain true to my name  
  
Time to get up  
And take the long walk home  
For the first time   
I go alone.  
  
  
He hadn't gone home when he left the Academy.   
He had gone to Hardcases. And Harry's. And to every place that sold alcohol that he knew of. Which, to say the least was a hell of a lot.  
By the time that he reached the grounds of Xaviers, he was, to put it mildly, Smashed.  
And still he didn't stop.  
And all he could think of was her. He had hurt her, something for which he could never forgive himself, but for now, he threw himself wholeheartedly into killing the pain.   
  
*************************   
  
From the large French windows at the back of the mansion, Jean Grey held vigil over a very drunk and obviously disturbed member of the team. Underneath the ancient oak, where he and his once faithful friend had wasted summers and weekends and any spare time they had, he now leant with one half empty bottle of whisky in one paw and another two stashed down by his side.   
Every night or morning for the past three weeks had found him in such a position and concern for their friend and teammate had escalated rapidly into fear for his emotional and mental state. Whilst never the most stable member of the team, his abuse of alcohol had reached a level that even his healing factor couldn't deal with, spending most of his time in a half drunken daze.   
"Fin' out anyt'in' yet Jeanie." She jumped as the almost untraceable Cajun thief Remy Lebeau whispered in her ear, and she turned slightly to allow him to come into her field of vision.   
"No Remy, not yet. Aside from painful amounts of grief and guilt that are mainly directed towards himself, although any low level empath would be able to feel it. He's projecting his feelings so strongly, probably due to amount of alcohol he's been consuming, yet I can't get a fix on any of the reasons for the emotions." She stopped to acknowledge Rogue as the young woman came up and put a tentative arm around Remy's shoulder, casting a glance at the man in the garden. "If it goes on any longer I'm just going to have to break in, as it were, to his mind. I can't let him continue like this. I'm actually scared for him"  
"Then Ah've an idea, one that'll let ya'll find out what eatin' at the old' Canuck without havin' ta resort ta breakin' an' enterin'. Call Snow Valley. Logan's bin' like this evah since he got back from Jube's birthday bash. If anyone'll be able to sort this all out, Ah'd bet on it bein' Jubilee." Rogue offered her advice unobtrusively, aware that it was the only sensible course of action. "You're right Rogue, really it should have been the first thing we did. I'll sort it now." Jean Grey left the room to make the call, leaving the two lovers to watch silently, concernedly over their team mate.   
  
*********************  
  
"Jubilee, lass there's a phone call for ye" Sean Cassidy reached his head around the door to the den where most of the members of Gen-X were gathered, enjoying their last few days together before 'graduation', as they'd termed it, by having a movie and sugary snacks marathon. It had been Jubilee's idea.  
Whilst the majority of the teens that resided at the school were piled upon the oversized couch that dominated the cosy room Jubilee knelt in front of the television and video set up, obviously in charge of the proceedings. She didn't, however, take her eyes of the wide screen to acknowledge his presence.   
She had changed the past few weeks since "The Visit" as it had come to be known, it had been an instant metamorphosis after her birthday. She had come downstairs that afternoon to join the rest of the team in training and had simply been 'changed'. She was a little colder, a little meaner and infinitely less easy to take lightly in battle. She was dangerous.   
It was almost impossible to say where this side of Jubilee had been hiding all the time she had been with them but it was such a 'natural' attitude for her that it was obviously quite an old part of her.   
And the changes were not commented on by any of the team, No one wanted to anger this Jubilee, a determined, hard streak had been revealed in her that nobody wanted to be the target of. A soul eroded by a life of hard living had been revealed, and it did not care if it made others uncomfortable by its existence.   
"If it's Wolverine, I'm not interested." Her voice was precise. Neutral, and not artificially so. "Aye, well, its not Wolverine…" Her head shot around to face Sean her face an indecipherable mask yet her blue eyes speaking curiosity. "Its Jean Grey fer ye lass." "I'll take it in my room Sean, thanks" She stood and walked out of the room without a backwards glance or word to her friends.  
  
She reached her room quickly and with a minimum exertion of effort. Her movements if they were anything these days, were predatory without a use of excess or unnecessary energy.  
"Hi Jean, s'up?" Her voice contained a saccharine sweetness that left Jean Grey not quite sure about Jubilee's state. It was Jubilee but more than Jubilee. A perfect parody of the Californian mall rat's accent and voice. It was a disconcerting effect. "Actually Jubilee, that's exactly why I rang you. It's Logan. And I was wondering if you could help"  
  
  
Downstairs the cheery teenage dialogue had come to a gradual end as Jubilee left the room and Sean Cassidy entered. An uncomfortable silence ensued.   
Eventually, drawing upon the fact that she felt uncomfortable in awkward scenes and a natural ability to assume command of any situation Monet spoke out.  
"Mr Cassidy. Sean. We are worried about Jubilation… "   
  
***********************************  
  
At the mansion, her conversation with Jubilee over, Jean hung the phone receiver up with an audible click. She leant against the walls to keep the wave of anger mixed with slight nausea from bowling her over. "But Jean. He never came to see me." The words kept repeating in the inside of her head. She shook off her moment of weakness, replaced with anger.   
He had been content to sit underneath that tree, to allow everyone to treat him with concern and kindness, all the while having done nothing to deserve such treatment.  
  
Had Wolverine been anything other than drunk he would have heard the hard purposeful steps nearing him, would have smelt the anger, permeating the air, or at the very least he would have been able to dodge the sharp stinging blow that materialised out of nowhere across his cheek. Baring his claws to the not yet recognised assailant, he found himself pinned to the tree he leant against by an invisible force. "You *BASTARD*! You *utter* bastard." He recognised the voice now.  
Unable even to talk with the strength of the telekinetic force field surrounding him all he could do was to listen to the words spoken in a low, angry hiss.   
"You didn't even spend her birthday with her Logan. Just *one* day out of your life and you couldn't even bring yourself to give her that. That girl has defended you more ties than I've had hot dinners and all you do is ignore her. All she wanted was a little time, a little attention, and you refuse to even give her that!" He attempted to struggle against the field and for his efforts was slammed farther against the tree, the field tightening as though to strangle him. "You were content to sit around here and get drunk, taking pity that you have done *nothing* to deserve. You disgust me Logan. You tell her that she means something to you and then treat her like a leper. You disgust me." A further slam against the tree and the shield disappeared as Jean turned on her heel and stalked towards the house leaving the wildman alone in the dark.  
Wolverine turned towards the figure disappearing into the house. "Don't ya think I disgust myself too sometimes Jeannie." And turning in the opposite way he walked silently towards the woodland at the edge of the mansion.  



End file.
